Love and Light to you all!
Buddha describes Enlightenment as “The end of suffering.”
I’ve been away awhile, and those of you that know me know that I have been through some major life crises and have had to work my way through an immense mess of emotions, getting to grips with physical, mental, emotional and spritual pain. I feel like I’ve arrived, and its time to start sharing what I’ve learnt. I’m going to try and blog more often to keep up with how fast things are beginning to change!
Let me start with my experience of pain. Pain is an amazing emotion. It hurts like crazy – but it tells you that you’re alive. I experienced so much of this pain during my transition. I had days where good friends had to literally scrape me up off the floor. I was in pieces, being torn apart by something I didn’t understand. All I could focus on was the pain, how much it hurt, how far apart the little pieces of my jigsaw were. The pain of longing to come back together in to one piece. I couldn’t see beyond this pain. Those of you who have suffered from depression will understand the sort of pain I’m talking about. You can’t pinpoint it. It’s a place in your soul that hurts so much. This wasn’t depression though. I rode through it, and now that I understand it, I’m able to write this to try and convey what I think that pain was.
Sometimes in life, we have moments of complete peace. In that peace, we realise we are at one. The processes that I went through were about re-aligning my physical and spiritual realities. It’s a complex area and I’ve found so much literature about these things but in my experience you can’t understand it at that level. Its when stop bothering with trying to understand it, let it go and start feeling it, that’s when it makes sense. In a sense, this is a pointless conversation, and I may have just contradicted myself! My explanation I think is that there was a lot of “false” in my life – from the people to the thoughts, from my actions to my behaviour. I was trying to “be” rather than just “being.” My soul was rejecting the false, and therefore causing that indescribable pain. I think this happens because in essence, as we are created by the Source of Truth, we are Truth itself and only when we are living this Truth are we truly free from pain. And this, takes courage. It takes courage to let go of the falsehood, it takes courage to be part of the world you are in and it takes courage to just “be.” The more you can just practice the Truth, the more successful you can be at sustaining the sense of peace it gives you.
I think about this often and the things that upset my balance are related to what’s false in life. Seeing it upsets my truth. I have to understand thats not what’s inside of me. Its finding that peace inside, and growing it so that it is bigger than anything else in the world. That inner peace, that enlightenment is the treasure. Happiness comes from the inside, and there isn’t anything in the world that can offer you that. Its something only you can create for yourself. It is hard work, and it takes courage, but its worth it. Ironically, its at the space where there is nothing there, but you’re so happy with that “nothing” that the feeling of contentment is your focus. In the same way, changing your focus from the pain to the consciousness and reality that you are alive helps to shift the energy towards that feeling of contentment.
At times, I described what I was feeling as suffocation. I remember saying “life is really squeezing me.” I resisted because I didn’t understand what was happening. I wanted to hold on to something, to stay in that space because it was familiar but all I was doing was resisting the growth spurt that was happening in me. I had to shed my old skin, and emerge as the butterfly – transformed and free. The pain helps you to make that space. You get to the point where it has all drained out of you and in a sense, you feel empty. That’s when you can look at what there is. I look now and there is only light. How are diamonds made?!! Pain creates beauty!!
Finally, I want to share something my beautiful friend Tamara said to me today. “Pray in a different way, from your heart, so your whole life becomes a prayer.” The journey continues…
Love and light…xx