Oooh!! It just got interesting!!!
I remember when I first got this book many years ago, and I used to open it for a pathway and more often than not, it fell open at this pathway. Perhaps because I had a lot of tension and hurt that needed to be burned away?
This pathway comes to me now in a whole different way, and there are many lessons that arise as a result. One of the reasons I’ve left it this late to write this particular blog is because I was waiting for the tension and hurt to shift, to burn away and to release. As soon as I read the pathway, I could feel it all coming up, bubbling away under the surface. All very familiar feelings, and I could feel the resistance straight away because I knew that once and for all, it was time to heal and lose the old wounds. There was a reason this pathway came at this moment, and it was because this is what I have been working towards.
There’s a moment when you can actually see how everything has led you to where you are. There is a moment within that moment where you feel so close to turning that corner within yourself and accessing the freedom you crave. It’s liberating and terrifying all at the same time. That’s why you put a block on it, and that’s what stops you from burning away the tension and hurt. You hold on with your mind, and it’s hard to let go. It’s difficult seeing beyond that point, and for me I could feel that had burning away in me for a long time.
If it was simple and straightforward, we would all be enlightened beings, but it really isn’t. Those darker feelings are there and yes although it would be wonderful to get rid of them, but imagine if you’ve never felt freedom and never seen real light before, that in itself can be overwhelming and painful. That’s why the spiritual journey, in my view, takes you in to the freedom and light a little at a time. It’s easier to digest that way, although as humans we are fixated on “when will it all be alright?” and for me this pathway brought up a really big realisation in seeing the bigger picture. There is no end point when all is alright. All is alright RIGHT NOW, it’s just how being human and having a mind complicates everything when life really is pretty simple. Just think of when you were a baby, your needs were taken care of and you didn’t worry because you felt safe. You didn’t think then as you do now, maybe one day it’ll be ok because that day you were always ok.
Those old feelings of being unsafe bubbled up with this pathway. I felt like I was on an angry rampage for a few days but I was watching carefully at what was triggering me. It’s simple – when things are not the way I want them to be, you better get out of my way! I can joke about it, and I’m not saying I’m some kind of Diva, but the deeper hurt and tension does come from this feeling of I can’t have what I want and that comes from my conditioning and my experiences in life. It takes time to undo all of that. I am in a better place, and I am not in the past. The deepest realisation for me is seeing beyond into where these moments can lead me. This moment is perfect because everything is happening as it should, but the tension and hurt and anger is a rejection of this moment because it’s not perfect in my eyes. That’s the reason I feel tension and hurt and anger. The only way to neutralise this is love, and loving yourself when you’re raging is hard!
It’s hard to look at the anger, hurt and tension in yourself because you know that it is going to be painful and when we reject and resist that moment, it becomes even more so. To truly burn it away is to treat it with love. Love is the only way to neutralise emotions and release them. Love is total acceptance of things as they are, and yourself as you are. Unconditionally.
You can’t make something happiness and heart unless you truly feel it. You have to be looking for it in yourself to truly feel it, and most of us don’t look until we come to a certain place in our lives. There are some people who just have the knack, life’s optimists, but it takes work depending on where you’ve been in your life and what you’ve experienced. At some point, we all throw the toys out of the pram because life isn’t going our way. It makes us unhappy and all because we are rejecting the here and now because it doesn’t look like how we wanted it to. The deep irony of life is that if we keep seeing it this way, life will never be what we want it to be. Right now is the perfect moment to be happy.
What is happiness anyway?
I think it’s rooted in freedom and freedom comes from being able to see what you’re doing to yourself and being able to stop it. The lesson for me which I feel cut the deepest is that I’ve been working so hard to love myself, and I’ve made some real progress with this but this pathway enabled me to notice that I can be horrible to myself still sometimes. I won’t take it if someone else treats me that way, but some of the things I catch myself saying to myself tell me that I could be a lot kinder sometimes.
As I was deep in meditation with this pathway, a realisation came to me. My mind wants to fix everything and that’s causing hurt and tension. I thought I had done away with my inner control freak, but as it turns out I haven’t fully! This is going to take some work and I can accept that is always going to be a part of me. It’s hard to undo conditioning because conditioning helps to keep you mentally and emotionally safe. It operates on a physical level though, so it stops you from taking action beyond your safety limit.
I am safe now though and so there is no need to try and fix anything. I find myself falling in love with my Creator on a whole other level as a result of this pathway and the realisation that there is something greater at work, always at work that has my best interests at heart. All I need to do is to get out of the way and stop trying my own interventions!
I remember when I first started meditating. I remember once doing a really long meditation and I was so determined to find the answer I was looking for. I insisted I would not get up until I knew what the answer was and I was there for about 3 – 4 hours. I searched in the silence for hours. I remember being calm and still and from nowhere a voice said, “Your job is not to know. Your job is to trust.” BOOM!! That message I know was really real because it came from nowhere. I have never forgotten it and working through this pathway, it has come up often for me. It’s a reminder. That real wisdom sits within, and I can access it if I am willing to listen.
The book talks about tension and hurt feeling like a pressure cooker and that life sometimes feels as if it is cooking you, softening you up and I feel this process. Life is so much easier if you tell yourself that everything is happening as it was meant to happen. You can’t make things go any faster or delay the pain. You are safe to go through it, and go through it you must. If only we knew what was on the other side of our suffering, I reckon we would skip through it without a care!!
I feel I have ended several chapters in my life and I’m on to new beginnings now. I feel safe as a result. I know there is nothing that can harm me. I know what my mind is doing. I know where the tension and hurt are coming from. I know that feeling those feelings is softening me and bringing me back to Source. Those feelings in themselves are indicators and signals that I need to seek Source to feel at ease.
Everything is perfect. It’s how we choose to see it. Knowing it is happening perfectly takes the pressure off and makes you more accepting of things the way they are. It helps burn away the tension and hurt to bring you to a place of serenity and peace, freedom and happiness. Even if that’s simply one moment, it is enough for me to continue seeking it.